I haven't posted here in a while so I'm just gonna talk about something funny that happened at school yesterday. For reference, right now no one in my school, other than my counselor, knows I'm trans. I was in Mathematical Game Theory class and we were playing poker. I bet 70 while everyone else was checking, and someone didn't know who bet that much asked "Why did she bet that much?" thinking one of the other girls at the table did it. Someone else was like "What do you mean she, it's just [deadname]" and inside I just thought, if only they knew...
I woke up today just feeling amazing about myself. I just feel so feminine. I just feel like myself. Even though I felt a lot of chest dysphoria at first that just validated my transition even more. I just feel so euphoric, just being myself.
Even after coming out to my family, I'm still having these dysphoric thoughts.
I'm not trans enough
I'm too immature to be a girl
If I was really trans, I would (literally anything)
I know these are common signs of dysphoria, but these thoughts bounce around in my head. I've been journaling a lot since my egg cracked, in fact since the start of April, as of writing, I've journaled 114 times. I keep writing about how I feel in relation to gender and transitioning, but I've done it so much it feels like it's gotten old, or like I'm just beating a dead horse. Even after coming out, I'm having so many normally pre-transition thoughts. I keeping feeling like a boy or like I'm just not trans. Cis people don't question their gender this much. When I'm in "feminine mode" I feel so happy and euphoric, my head just keeps spiraling out.
This is a poem I wrote on the bus ride home from school today
The girl inside of me
She wants to come out and play
But at school I repress her
Keep her locked away
Trapped in my body
They don't know she exists
Unintentional insults
Are to her iron fists
Even when I get home
Sometimes I've killed her off
But maybe she'll come back
Voice dreamy and soft