Even after coming out to my family, I'm still having these dysphoric thoughts.
I'm not trans enough
I'm too immature to be a girl
If I was really trans, I would (literally anything)
I know these are common signs of dysphoria, but these thoughts bounce around in my head. I've been journaling a lot since my egg cracked, in fact since the start of April, as of writing, I've journaled 114 times. I keep writing about how I feel in relation to gender and transitioning, but I've done it so much it feels like it's gotten old, or like I'm just beating a dead horse. Even after coming out, I'm having so many normally pre-transition thoughts. I keeping feeling like a boy or like I'm just not trans. Cis people don't question their gender this much. When I'm in "feminine mode" I feel so happy and euphoric, my head just keeps spiraling out.
This is a poem I wrote on the bus ride home from school today
The girl inside of me
She wants to come out and play
But at school I repress her
Keep her locked away
Trapped in my body
They don't know she exists
Unintentional insults
Are to her iron fists
Even when I get home
Sometimes I've killed her off
But maybe she'll come back
Voice dreamy and soft